Sunday, 21 August 2016

My Not So Secret Shame: Survivor Recap Ep. 1

A beautiful ocean, the distant sound of tribal drums, a random crab crawls across the screen. This is no ordinary blog post. This is a blog post to out wit, out play and out blog the others... This is...

Australian Survivor... recap 

*Insert dramatic music and me running around a fire shrieking like a banshee*

Episode one: Meeting the tribes... and Anthony Lapaglia's Brother...

We start the episode with the host Anthony LaPaglia's brother reminding us all why Australians have really annoying accents. Good start, can't wait to listen to him talk for the next 12 weeks.

We go through all the contestants as they arrive on the island, talking about their manhood and how tough and amazing they are... I'd love to have someone go, "You know what I thought this was The Bachelor and I'm really shitting myself". Des talks, no one understands him but he says something about how he has an IQ of a dog... or something... something about being from the country... Sam (you know the good looking one) talks about how his weakness could be pretty girls and they show a shot of a pig... ok...

They arrive at the survivor base where Anthony LaPaglia's brother welcomes them all and sorts them into their tribes. I say sort, because I feel as thought these tribes are the houses from Harry Potter (you will find out why later). Anthony LaPagalia's brother then proceeds to show how he doesn't know anyones name and calls them by items of clothing and colours: "You, baseball cap backwards", "You in the blue". Speaking of clothing, they are informed that all they have, are the clothes on their backs. It's good to see that Barry decided to wear the sorting hat from 'Harry Potter' to the first meet up and Kat decided that wearing leopard print and a floppy hat was appropriate attire for the Survivor challenge. No one wanted to wear a Bear Grylls inspired outfit? No? Floppy hats it is. 

The first challenge starts, the fight for fire. It's hard to really describe whats going on because they are all flopping around like seals on red bull. Anthony LaPagalia's brother likes to point out every movement every person makes and repeats himself so many times that you go into a hypnotic state, all of a sudden the race is over and Hot Sam won, I mean blue tribe. 

We head over to the meet and greet of the first tribe. The red team - Slytherin. They all talk about where they are from, what they do, Des likes to tell us how he isn't going to tell them how he could be remotely useful to their tribe (good strategic move...). Des likes to prove that point by literally doing sweet FA as the rest of the tribe make shelter and try to start a fire - Really going for gold. Des and Floppy Hat start off their relationship with a nice strong hatred of each other and we can tell a good ol' fashion bitch fest is going to take place. So basically, what we have learnt here is Des isn't going to win Survivor. 

Yellow Tribe - Hufflepuff. Like really... they are Hufflepuff. They are all literally useless. Why build things like a shelter or a fire when you can just you know... go for a swim? They all gather round to form some kind of plan, talking about the possibility of making a fire or a bed... Craig pipes up with his great words of wisdom "I think we should like, make some kind of plan"... really... Hufflepuff. It's cool though, coz Craig tells us he can cook, he listens to Beyonce and he can be a bitch... freakin watch out everyone he is a deadly weapon.  Oh no hold on, Nick made obstacles course in his backyard in preparation for Survivor... maybe keep an eye on him too. It's good to see Carrie Bradshaw's friend, Stanford decided to join the cast... he is going by the alias 'Andrew', you sneaky devil... I'm on to you!

Blue Tribe - Gryffindor. Basically this tribe is made up of all the cool people - Hot Sam, The firefighter lady, Connor (the most chilled burn victim I have ever seen). They are on to it, they make their cosy shelter, make an amazing fire... even the music is super positive and loving life. So we love the blue team. They even have a freakin magician on their tribe. They didn't even need to win the fire challenge, he could just pull it out of someones ear. The sneaky private investigator acts sneaky and analyses things... coz thats what she does... just acts sneaky. 

Back to Slytherin, no fire, no shelter - super enthusiastic attitudes. I'm obviously being sarcastic. Des continues to act like an ass, which seems to be going well for him. I'm pretty sure everyone hates him.  

Gryffindor are continuing their shelter building, Hot Sam just continues to be Hot and poor Connor just chills in the water the whole time alone with his burnt hand. You would really hate to be THAT person who has been on the island for 5 minutes and burns their hand. Kind of embarrassing. Bless his heart. He does strike and manages to awkwardly organise an alliance with Flick, who states he isn't her top choice and she will probably boot him out... so he has a good solid alliance with her...

Hufflepuff are still walking around figuring out what to do with their lives. They have the brilliant idea as the sun goes down to build a bed! They do that well, because it collapses when they lie on it. They all laugh. Have a good sleep tonight dickheads! Sue obviously isn't thrilled with being in the dud tribe, she's cool, I like her. She's a sassy lady with a boot load of experience. Probably belongs in Gryffindor. Craig talks more, but its best not to listen. 

Back to Slytherin, there is lots of spooning going on. Not for Des, that's not "his cup of tea". Are you shocked? I'll tell you whats a good idea, put your shelter on the sand near the water. It's not like there is anything called a tide that could come in and destroy it in the middle of the night... wait...

The first proper Survivor immunity challenge. They must split their tribes up in to "runners" and "the people that do the puzzle at the end". Floppy Hat wears her Floppy Hat and Slytherin make a stupid joke about having fire... just joking, they don't... no one laughs... So basically, the challenge is the runners need to run and get to the end... the puzzle makers do the puzzle... so really the running part is useless because they all have to wait for the puzzle people at the end. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff are really good at puzzles... Slytherin are not. So they are heading to the tribal council.

Slytherin are not impressed. Des realised that maybe he shouldn't have been completely useless and maybe shown off all his awesome skills with building shelters. So he tries to redeem himself, whilst also slagging off Floppy Hat to everyone. What he doesn't realise is, Floppy Hat has a strong alliance with the other girls so watch out girlfriend!! *Insert finger snap*. His voice is also very annoying... I'd probably vote him out, he sounds like some kind of Super Aussie Pirate. 

Off they go to Tribal council where Anthony LaPaglia's brother tries to channel Jeff Probst, but it's not happening... Early days. They all dip their torches into the flame, well done on finally obtaining fire! There is suspenseful music, weird tribal noises and many shots of flames... it's kinda making me sleepy. They all toddle off and cast their sneaky votes. Floppy Hat and Des the Pirate are quite honest with their dislike for each other and it looks like it's going to be between them. Obviously, Slytherin doesn't feel the need for pirates in their tribe and Des is out. Literally EVERYONE voted for him. Kinda glad...we all are, lets be honest. 

They head off back to their shelter, I'm sure all praying they didn't build it on another favoured path of a wave. We are left with the goodbye message from The Pirate, he's not impressed, "This is the worst possible outcome", well are the first person voted off and everyone voted for you... so yeah it's pretty much the worst. 

So episode one down! Only... a lot more to go. Do I have a clue as to who might win? No... no i don't... but I can see myself becoming addicted, as I do to most reality tv. If you enjoyed my Survivor recap be sure to keep an eye out, as I will be posting a recap the day after every episode (Eps air Sunday and Monday). Also, if you're interested, I do a live tweet on my Twitter, it gets bit random, I'm usually sleep deprived and high on tea by about 8pm. 

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