Wednesday, 31 August 2016

My not so secret shame: Survivor Recap Ep. 5

Episode 5: The one where shit gets real!

I don't even know how the hell I'm going to properly communicate this episode. So prepare yourself for lots of long paragraphs and ranting. Ok lets do this...

The episode starts off with another crab shot, very important. Nick is on a secret mission to find the immunity idol. He is all motivated and the music and inspirational speech leads you to believe, this is it, he is going to find it... No he doesn't, of course he doesn't, he is from bloody Hufflepuff! *Face palm*

Over at Gryffindor (Blue), Kylie is also on her secret immunity idol hunt, she is super desperate because the young dudes aren't her besties and her time is limited. She digs through what looks like a giant dinosaur poo and BOOM...idol. Well done girlfriend. She then hides it in her hat...super stealthy, it doesn't make your hat look awkward at all...

The Slytherin team (Red) feel kinda awkward because they all did the dirty on Floppy Hat, they like, basically said to her face, "We are going to vote you out," and then they didn't vote because Pete left...so now Floppy Hat is pissed off and they are all really awkwardly apologetic... Like how do you come back from that? Floppy hat cries and the girls try and comfort her, but if that were me I'd be like all snapping my fingers and shouting "OH NO YOU DON'T". I'm kinda confused because I thought they were all going to vote out Rohan...but then it's Floppy Hat? I don't get it... I must have missed something... If only I could find a recap somewhere on the last episode...

Back at Gryffindor, Flick is weaving her alliance plans with the Magician...then with Connor...then Brooke...planning to kick out Connor...then the Magician. She says she doesn't like the Magician because he could "just flip" and do a dodgy on them...says the girl who is doing a "flip" on everyone in her tribe. Big mouths get you in trouble my friend. The Magician and Hot Sam seem to have a solid alliance going on, I would with Hot Sam and the Magician too... One is Hot Sam and the other can turn my shoes into a swan!

At the reward challenge, Hufflepuff have to bring all of the rewards they have won so far and hand them over in return getting a new flint. Which they do. It's kind of funny, because the team that wins the reward challenge gets all there stuff *teehee* How pissed would you be?! Anthony LaPaglia's brother then tells everyone that Pete thought the game was too hard for him and quit. Pretty sure he had a serious illness and hadn't eaten in nearly two weeks, but sure,  I'm sure you're slumming it with your clean clothes and catering provided for you...all day...everyday... What was your man made hut like? The reward for this challenge is a chicken coop with a whole bunch of egg laying chickens. The challenge is they must barricade the other teams stick box(?) and then once they have done that, they need to undo their own stick box, which the other team messed up...are you with me?

Once they have cleaned their box up, they need to drag their chicken in a cage through it and they win! Really hard to explain... Gryffindor dominate in this challenge. Hufflepuff...not so much. They actually lose this one...say bye bye to all your stuff. Whose stupid idea was it to give up all your rewards? I'm going to say it was Nick's. We see a nice shot of Craig's butt crack for about 20 seconds. But anyway Gryffindor win! Woot woot!

Gryffindor are super chuffed to have won all Hufflepuff's stuff. We then learn about the love story of The Magician and Chester the Chicken. Its sweet... The magician has his own little pet chicken. Which makes me love him more. Men and animals - Yes! I, myself, am bloody terrified of chickens... childhood trauma... long story...

Hufflepuff have fire! Again! What did you do to your last flint by the way? Actually don't...I don't want to know... They then eat some snails... Hufflepuff everyone.

They all receive mail and find out that TWO tribes will be going to Tribal Council. This is the beginning of the shit getting real in this episode.

The Immunity Challenge. Guess what?! Theres no freakin' puzzle! Slytherin will be happy! They have basically no tribe members anymore, so they don't want to lose this one. They must complete an obstacle course, dragging a wagon of coconuts around with them, then use the coconuts in a sling shot to knock over a whole bunch of tribal looking gong heads. How ridiculous do all these challenges sound when I type them out? But they are real... I'm not on drugs! Lee kicks ass in the coconut throwing department! He must have years of coconut slinging experience that we aren't aware of. Hot Sam and The Magician are also using their coconut skills well for Gryffindor, kind of disappointed the Magician didn't use his wand...wait that's a wizard...maybe he didn't get his invitation to Hogwarts...thats awkward... and sad. I didn't get one either. Anyway its close between Slytherin and Gryffindor for bit, but Slytherin win in the end. Hufflepuff were never going to win this one. So it's Gryffindor and Hufflepuff on the chopping block.

In the Hufflepuff camp, Barry tells everyone he won't be making an alliance with anyone and will basically be the lone wolf of the pack. Good on you, I wouldn't want to make an alliance with anyone on Hufflepuff either...maybe Sue. Nick then starts talking, way too much for my liking, playing, "games" with people, thinking he is, "manipulating" everyone but really he is, "pissing everyone off"(including me). Mate, you can't lie! At all. You are stuffing up all your plans by being a terrible liar. BAHH so annoying!!

Back at Gryffindor there's a lot of whispering going on. The young dudes know they won't be able to vote Kylie off because she has the idol, so the poor Magician is up. If he gets voted off I'll be pissed. He hasn't even done any tricks...oh no wait the boys have dobbed Flick in for saying she wants to vote him off. But Flick has told Matt she wants to vote Connor off. She also promised an alliance to every individual person... Oooh Flick, you and your big mouth. Made so many promises and played so many games. But no longer. Connor confronts her about lying to everyone and she says "100% no" about 400 times. Connor also says she threatened to, "throw Brooke under a bus", in front of Brooke, which she also denies. She did say that. We all saw it...  Flick you are in trouuuuble...

Ok so we get to tribal council. Hufflepuff talk about how amazing life is back at camp... I mean Nick does. Everyone looks as bored and drained with his voice as we all are. At least they all have that in common. Gryffindor is kinda...tense...Flick says some bullshit about how they are all a family and are all, "one big happy family". Thats the start of the awkwardness. It's so fake nice...it hurts my teeth. Kylie shows off the immunity idol, flashing it around her neck. The Magician isn't impressed. He thinks it's a stupid play to show in front of another tribe and is pretty sure she is bluffing. Kylie doesn't seem phased. Flick opens her mouth about the possibility of going home and all hell breaks loose. I'm going to make this next part a dot point kinda thing...to make it easier:

- Flick plays the pity party and says Connor told her she will be going home tonight.
- Flick dobs Connor in and said he told her all this stuff the Magician had said, she says its a lie.
- The Magician is pissed at Connor because he thinks HE lied.
- Connor speaks up, he thinks he is right and Flick is wrong.
- Connor continues to dob Flick in about lying to everyone.
- She denies this.
- Hot Sam sits their happily just being Hot Sam.
- Hufflepuff sit their watching the crazies have a little fight, it's so awkward. It's like when you are hanging out with a couple and they start fighting and you wish you could just melt into the wall and disappear.
- Back and forth and back and forth...
See what I mean about this being complicated to write? I'm exhausted already.

So they vote. They then find out that they will not being voting a person out, they will be voting for a person to swap to the other tribe. WHAAAT!!! Scandal!! Hufflepuff give Nick the boot and he is so pissssssssed. It's quite funny. He does NOT handle that well. On Gryffindor it's a tie between Flick and Connor, so much must vote again. Wouldn't they just vote for the same person and it'll be a tie again? Guess what, it's a tie again. Woah didn't see that coming. Now they must decide as a group who will go OR they will need to vote one of the others out. Are you with me? Anyway they all decide Connor is leaving. All done? NO! Once they switcharoo the next bombshell. They can bring a friend with them. Nick brings Tegan, Connor brings Hot Sam. I feel so bad the Magician is now stuck with bloody Nick and Flick. Haha their names rhyme, I'm sure they will be best friends. Hufflepuff however, just became cooler and I kind of don't want to call them Hufflepuff anymore because they have Hot Sam...but I will. Kylie will be pleased, that young dude alliance is well and truly dead and she can make buddies with the newbies.

Interesting games you are playing here Mr Survivor! I like it... I really hope all of that made sense. That was a real bitch to write out. That was literally a treadmill on speed for my fingers.

Survivor is back on Sunday, so my blog will be filled with something OTHER than Survivor for the rest of the week. I hope you guys are enjoying the recaps and be sure to follow me on social media for more! I'm going to go ice my hands now...

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Monday, 29 August 2016

My not so secret shame: Survivor Recap Ep.4

Episode 4: The one wear Rohan wears a life jacket and the legend of Pistol Pete...

Is it just me, or do they show a lot of clips of crabs on this show?

We start the episode in camp Slytherin (Red tribe). They do the obligatory, "I feel so bad about ___ leaving". You can't say you aren't pleased Evan left? He was annoying to watch, let alone live with.

Over to the Gryffindor camp (Blue tribe). Poor Pete is really struggling. His body isn't coping with life on the island, but on the positive side he really pulls off a bright red suit! He wants to leave, but the tribe won't vote him off. He thinks it's nice they all want to be friends, but you can tell he is running out of nice ways to say, "I want to f*cking leave this hellhole!"

At Hufflepuff (Yellow tribe), Craig is having a whinge about Nick and Tegan and their horrible attempt at lying about finding a clue of the whereabouts of the secret immunity idol... Survivors worst kept secret. Nick tries again to give them information about the idol, was he lying again? I have no idea because he was talking the biggest load of rambles! No one else seemed to believe a word he was saying. Sue is awesome, she doesn't take his bullshit...I love her spunk and they should show more of her! He tries to convince them all that he did lie, but now he isn't lying anymore...coz you would believe him right? Don't know about that one buddy...

Back to Slytherin. Rohan and Phoebe are on a mission to find the immunity idol. They make a deal that if they find it, Phoebe will get it, no matter who finds it. Speaking of Phoebe, I just want to take this opportunity to say she is playing the game SO WELL!! Super sneaky, she has built two separate alliances which means she has an alliance with majority of the tribe. She is wheeling and dealing, breakin' necks and casino' cheques... You go girlfriend!! Her only mistake was trusting Rohan with their agreement - he found the idol and surprise surprise, he kept it for himself. Big mistake dude...she owns your tribe.

Gryffindor camp are very busy breaking sticks and banging coconuts on rocks... very caveman-eske... Kylie and Pete are struggling to venture off to find the immunity idol as the young dude alliance are on to them. They are watching them at all times and rarely leave them alone. Nothing gets past anyone on this show. Kylie is pretty desperate to find it because she isn't in with the cool kids and knows she will be one of the next to go. Pete doesn't want it...he just wants to be free...

At the Hufflepuff Camp, Craig is busy making sure the hammock doesn't disappear and they are all having a grumble because they haven't had fire for 3 days. You have waited 3 days to go, "maybe we should do something about the fire situation?" The intense hunger and dehydration wasn't enough to give you an inkling that maybe you need it? All of a sudden, there are all these people who I have never seen before...they don't really show many members of this tribe. Kate, (I didn't know there was a Kate), tells her story about her horrific accident she was in which left her in a coma. Total respect for powering on and getting your life back from something like that! But seriously... Who are you?

Phoebe is on a mission to bring down Rohan in the Slytherin camp. A fully fledged 'get rid of Rohan',  attack is about to take place. Watch your back Rohan...

The immunity challenge is up and Hufflepuff is the tribe to beat. The challenge involves tribe members swimming out to a cage in the ocean. The must pull up a treasure chest and drag it back to shore. All the chests need to be collected and then they must complete another puzzle. They reallllly love these puzzles don't they? I'm sorry but I would not be swimming that far out in the ocean to a cage, I'm from Australia, I KNOW there are sharks out there!! This challenge is great for the guys to show off those muscles and do a slow motion run through the water, holding a treasure chest above their heads like Baywatch Pirates! I would also like to point out, that Anthony LaPaglia's brother yells out everything they do...in detail...all the time. If he followed me around doing that, I'd be kinda freaked out... Hufflepuff aren't going to well with this challenge but they always seem to find a way to beat everyone. They do struggle but it's ok, we get to the puzzle bit and we all know how Slytherin are with puzzles. Guess what!? Smytherin lose...again...because they can't do puzzles. Learn from your mistakes, practise your puzzle skills kids! Gryffindor win and Hufflepuff want to make a deal with Anthony LaPaglia's brother. They want to make a wager about getting a new flint to start their fire, in return he tells them they must return EVERYTHING they have won so far. Maybe just, I don't know...try harder to make a fire? I mean the hammock does need to be looked after but you could always just try?

So Slytherin are pretty pissed they lost again. I would be more embarrassed than anything. They continue their:
"Who should we vote out?"
"Let's get rid of Floppy hat"
"No, Rohan is annoying"...
(Not direct quotes)

Phoebe has her eyes on Rohan and he does nothing to help reduce that giant target sign on his back. Phoebe knows she has power, Rohan knows this too and you can see the slight panic in his eyes when she flat out threatens him that he will go. She is RUTHLESS! It's like 'The Godfather' or something and he's going to wake up with a crab head on his pillow. One by one, Phoebe gathers her minions and sets their sights on Rohan, at the same time convincing him everyone is voting for Floppy Hat. She's good, you can't fault her! So off they wander to Tribal council...

Meanwhile at Gryffindor, some heartbreaking news is occurring. Pete isn't coping anymore. He has a sit down chat with Anthony Lapaglia's brother and explains how he became ill just before Survivor started and he can feel his body worsening everyday. Although he would love to continue his time on the island, he owes it to his family to regain his health and heal. Good on you man!!! He hasn't eaten in 12 days, if that were me I would have gone on a hangry rampage and murdered half the tribe by now. He is so damn sweet and I will miss those red pants, but you have to do whats right for your body. It's quite sad, because the Magician is really cut up about it all and it just pulls at the heartstrings little bit. Kylie is freaking out...her one buddy is now gone and she has no immunity idol. You better get hunting girlfriend!

Over at Tribal council Rohan has decided to wear a lifejacket. Is that like some cool thing that models do? They all have a chat about life, who they think hates them, do they trust people...just the usual tribal banter... Tension rises as it comes time to vote, the music gets really loud (I had to turn it down coz I have a sleeping baby) and then...*dramatic pause* Anthony Lapaglia's brother drops the bombshell that, Pete from Gryffindor has chosen to leave Survivor and therefore no one will be leaving tonight. You are so lucky Rohan...you don't even realise!

So much drama, so much game playing, so many crabs...
Until next time...which thanks for Channel Ten putting it on 3 nights a week, now will be tomorrow...
Later Gaters...

My not so secret shame: Survivor Recap Ep.3

Episode 3: The case of the immunity idol and the bad liars...

Is it just me or does no one know the real names of the tribes... I don't...so I'm just going to stick with the whole Harry Potter House names...it's easier...and amazing.

We kick start with Gryffindor - The Blue Team, who do an amazing job of looking awesome in night vision mode. They discuss that Bianca got the boot and they are all good with that. I kind of wanted to see her sneaky investigative skills in full force, but thats ok. The magician is still there, I expect great things from him, some might say, 'magical' things. Kylie is pretty pissed because she thought they all had an agreement to send poor Pete on his way, but she got blindsided. This is the game man, you gotta check yo'self before you wreck yo'self...

How bloody beautiful is Samoa by the way? I have never been, but this show is doing a really awesome job of boosting my desire to travel over there and live in a hut...well by hut, I mean I'd a hotel...

Pete wants to leave and fair enough, it's a tough gig. Then he cries and my heart melts into many sad pieces. The poor guy isn't coping well but he does pull of a red suit remarkably well!! 10 points Gryffindor! Hot Sam gives him a cuddle and a pep talk, thats gotta make you feel better! Good on you Hot Sam! Kylie is stilled pissed...in the words of Elsa, "Let it goooo, let it goooo"...

The tribes receive Survivor mail, asking them to choose their wisest tribe member and a buddy to undertake some kind of quest. Pete is chosen as the wise wizard and Kylie is him 'Samwise Gamgee'. The young dude alliance realise their mistake of sending away two people on a quest, which may be to their benefit, without one of them to act as a spy. Snooze you lose buddies!! Coincidentally the quest has to do with honesty and deceit, very appropriate given Kylie's attitude towards being left out of the tribes voting schemes. If they pick honesty, they get a bag of beans for the tribe, if they choose deceit they get a bag of beans ONLY for the two of them, but they get a clue to a secret immunity idol which is hidden somewhere on the island. I'm assuming the immunity idol is not for the whole tribe, but an individual thing, so they can't get kicked out if the tribe is sent to tribal council. So the sneaky buggers go with deceit... I think Kylie was more doing it as payback to the others, but fair enough. I'd probably do it too, you aren't there to make friends are you?

Slytherin camp - Red Team: They receive the same mail and choose the 'model' Rohan (he is your wisest member?) and Phoebe is his buddy. They obviously go with deceit - they are Slytherin, would you expect honesty from them? The two of them don't even trust each other. They make up a sneaky plan to lie to the tribe about what they really found, they did a horrible job of lying to them but whatever...they tried. No one believes them, I wouldn't either. Like I said before...your wisest member? Evan is super suss and goes off to find evidence that they are up to something. Off he goes and what does he find? The bloody clue! Good one guys, I'd expect something like that from Hufflepuff...

Speaking of Hufflepuff - The Yellow Tribe, they send Nick and Tegan on their secret quest. They go with 'the lie thing', sneaky little survivors aren't they! Hopefully they come up with a better story than Slytherin to convince their tribe that everything is all find and dandy. Oh god, they made a fake poem. It's ok...they  aren't convincing their tribe but they get points for creativity. They send them on some half assed treasure hunt, but no one is buying it. Nick realises they that Craig and Jenna don't believe him and confesses, wow that lasted a good 10 minutes didn't it? They have successfully just put themselves on the chopping block if they are up at tribal council. Well played...well played...

Rohan and Phoebe lie in their hut, giggling away at their own dishonesty. They then realise the clue Rohan put in his pants is gone, not so funny anymore! Evan parades the clue around the camp, showing the tribe members that they have been lied to... He got little bit over excited, tried to cause some trouble but I don't think he realises no one really likes him. He then swears on his wife's life, so I'm assuming his wife doesn't like him much either...

The challenge: Anthony LaPaglia's brother has got some serious veins on those arms doesn't he? Basically the challenge is on a canoe, they have to float around and overcome some obstacles along the way, go back to shore and build a tower out of blocks - Sounds like a game I used to play in Primary school. The winning tribe gets a whole bunch of luxuries like pillows and comfy stuff. The losing tribe...just lose! Hufflepuff kick ass at these challenges don't they?! I should stop calling them Hufflepluff...oh well... Slytherin do not have very good canoe moving skills...
Watching tower building is actually a lot more stressful than I thought! But again, Hufflepuff dominate and win those beautifully sewn pillows... I personally would have wanted to win a Double Quarter Pounder meal at this point, but I'm sure the pillows will be great. Slytherin not only prove they can't use a canoe, but they also can't build with blocks! Next they will be crap at finger painting!

Let the scheming and backstabbing begin. Wait... before the scheming and backstabbing theres a nice moment where Hufflepuff get there cosy items (Barry makes a hammock look awesome) and Gryffindor eat some kind of weird Sea cucumber...kids these days... Anyway scheming and backstabbing... Slytherin are trying to figure out who the boss is, whose to blame for losing (again) and just really scheming and backstabbing. Evan wanders around in his undies trying to find this magical immunity idol because I think he is aware...he isn't safe.

The immunity challenge: They must take part in a relay race, running through an obstacle course one at a time and then they must use their ever growing puzzle skills to...do a puzzle... There's a lot of running back and fourth, getting bags and again Hufflepuff kick butt most of the way. Anthony Lapaglia's brother continues to point out the obvious. Floppy hat has been designated puzzle duty again... Is that a good idea considering the last puzzle she did, she failed miserably at it? Evan proves he shares the same skill level as floppy hat and literally has to be told how to put a puzzle together. The magician is pretty good, I was bit disappointed he didn't do it, like with his mind or something...maybe next time. Pete helps him...he is so cute, I actually love him! Hufflepuff win again!! I really make them out like they are useless, but maybe thats their game plan. Sneaky and successful! Slytherin lose, so off to tribal council they go...

Slytherin break up into little corners and scheme about who is next on the chopping block. Is it just me, or does Lee get more good looking every episode? So far its not looking good for Evan or Floppy hat. Evan has no bloody clue that no one has an alliance with him. He literally is in fairy land. Oh wait, he is using his awesome acting skills to "suck up to Rohan". It's not acting skills mate, you know you're in deep shit and you are desperate. The tribe is basically split 50/50 between Floppy hat and Evan, but until they write those names down you just don't know... So many games.

At tribal council, Anthony Lapaglia's brother is wearing a nice checkered shirt and Lee's tan is looking amazing. Three of them are wearing glasses all of a sudden which makes me think they aren't prescription. They establish that, no...Floppy hat is not good at puzzles. Floppy hat drops the bombshell that there is the "main four", Lee, Phoebe, Rohan and El. Evan is pissed, we all know he thinks he is part of the cool club. Poor love. In the end Evan is voted out and he makes some passive aggressive comment about the idol to Rohan. Always has to open his big mouth doesn't he? It looks like the foursome has dominated the tribe... I mean half their tribe is gone but still...they have done well.

Evan leaves us with words of wisdom, something about Lee and El realising in the future it was a mistake to vote him out. I don't think they will...but whatever helps you sleep at night mate. I'm sure your wife will be looking forward to seeing you now...*Insert awkward collar tug*

So that's our survivoroonies for now. 'Till next time!! Well tomorrow... the next time is tomorrow...
Amy OUT *mic drop*



Monday, 22 August 2016

My not so secret shame: Survivor Recap Ep. 2

Episode 2: The case of Kristie's missing bag... and Peter wears red pants...

We jump right in where we left off, Des has just been voted out (by everyone) and the Slytherin team have just returned back to camp. They are all trying to do the right thing and pretend they are sad that Des left - but lets be honest, they aren't... and thats cool, I get that, he was bit of a knob. Can we just take a moment here to say how nice Lee is!? Don't you think he would just be the nicest guy in the world? Like I would love to just give him a high 5 for being an awesome dude! Just had to share that moment of appreciation there. Lets move on. Kristie's bag has gone missing and she has all of sudden become paranoid there is a conspiracy against her. Because they would want her bag... on a deserted island... with nothing of any importance in it... you know? Like why wouldn't you want a useless bag?

Over to Gryffindor, they are all still super positive and pumped up like they have just won the first Quidditch match of the season... ok enough Harry Potter... So, the Private Investigator... someone had to burst the bubble didn't they? Someone HAD to ruin Gryffindors happy vibe. Good one Bianca. She uses her super dooper investigation skills to observe that there is an alliance between the 4 youngest members of the tribe, it's kind of obvious and she's not happy. They must be broken up. Are you not happy because you see them as a threat or because you don't really have any buddies in the tribe? I'm sure you'll say the first one, but we all kind of know its the second.

Back to Slytherin and the paranoia of the missing bag. Get over it Kristie, no one wants your stuff. She goes on a little rant saying they all think she is dumb and they are out to get her. No love, you just put your bag in a stupid spot and are little cuckoo. Then she cries. Sad music. We find out she is literally obsessed with survivor - calm down Kristie. You're on the damn show, just enjoy it.

How are you guys going over there in Hufflepuff land? Well they slept on the sand and have no fire. So pretty much the same. It's cool though, because Craig made a circle out of rocks, very important. Sets up the whole feng shui. Nick licks some leaves and uses about 45 analogies to explain his thought process. It doesn't make any sense. They all decide that a group effort is needed to make fire. They get the hint of flames and they all furiously blow on it. Think of a candle, when you blow on it what happens? It goes out. So maybe if the whole freakin' tribe blows on a small flame what might happen? Think about it... yeah the fire went out. Nick then calls Survivor a bitch, I don't think she will appreciate your attitude Nick.

Slytherin house. Lets talks about Evan for a sec... he is actually really annoying. Apparently he is an art teacher AND he can act... but don't tell anyone. He then shows us how he can 'act' a whole range of emotions like sympathy and sensitivity. Oh, he can also act like a bogan. *Insert unimpressed face* He obviously has a man crush on Lee and is super enthusiastic about being in an alliance with him. Lee isn't so keen, but bless his heart, he humours him.

Hufflepuff still have no fire. You tried one time??? After talking about positivity and bad vibes for bit, they finally light one. Congratulations, it only took you 4 weeks. Survivor is over by the way...

Kylie from Gryffindor shows off her muscles, being a firefighter she is pretty bad ass! The girls don't like her... girls are so bitchy. As a girl, I can say that... we are. I annoy myself. How adorable is Peter! So adorable! He is struggling and not quite sure if he should be there anymore. Please stay, I just want to hug you and have tea at your house.

The immunity challenge is on like Donkey Kong. Anthony LaPaglia's brother is there, showing off his super clean clothes and awesome tan. I bet he didn't eat rice and bananas for dinner. Evan makes another joke about fire, I'd prefer not to talk about it. The challenge includes turning two members of each tribe into sacrificial lambs. Don't worry there's no fire and crazy dancing. The remaining tribe members have to basically carry them through an obstacle course and once they reach the end the lambs have to throw sand bags are some bottles and knock them down. You think the lambs have the easy job? No! You are being thrown around, frantically by really hungry tribe members who don't care if they hurt you. I ain't putting my hand up for that shit. It looks really painful and the rope burn... ooooh the rope burn would hurt.

Hufflepuff fans would be pleased to know they actually aren't that crap and are in for a chance to win.

Gryffindor throw Brooke through the course like she is a sack of potatoes, even throwing her on the ground once they reach the end. Kinda funny... I don't know how her bikini top stayed on!

Slytherin decide to carry the heaviest person in their tribe, Lee. Because a professional athlete with muscles like a tree trunk wouldn't be heavy? After they drag his body through, like ants dragging a really large carrot (I'm assuming ants would find that hard to carry), you actually see their reasoning behind this stupid call. Lee is an ex-cricketer and has awesome sandbag throwing abilities. So they go from last place, to kick ass mode. Which is good because they don't want to lose another tribe member. Hufflepuff however, come in for the win. They may be a little bit unco but they are kicking butt at the challenges. Unfortunately Gryffindor, you guys are on the chopping block this time. No points to Gryffindor.

Now for the bitching, back stabbing, alliance planning stuff in the Gryffindor camp. Connor does the whole, "It was my fault, I take full responsibility" card but really we know he is like, "Don't vote for me please god don't do it!!!" Poor Peter clearly doesn't want to be there and is basically saying, "Vote me out, I don't want to be here". Hi Hot Sam... haven't seen you much this episode. Bianca is in full Private Investigator mode, trying to break up alliances but I don't think anyone really cares what she has to say. At least she is having fun. Connor obviously loves Flick, he follows her around with eyes the size of really large pizzas. The magician still hasn't done anything super cool, like tame dragons or turn a tribe member into a rabbit. But I have hope... They all have a big sneaky chat and decide to vote Peter out, which is sad because he is adorable, but they feel he is the weak link in the tribe.

Tribal Council... The cosy flames are there, I'm sure the mosquitos are having a partayyyy. Anthony LaPaglia's brother tells them he wasn't expecting them to be there. It's like a parent saying they are really "disappointed" with you. Brooke is wearing a cool safari hat, maybe she thinks it'll help her fight off votes like they are lions. Not that a safari hat would help you with a lion... they aren't scared of hats. Pete mentions he isn't well and doesn't want to eat, another hint at the whole, "Get me out of this hell hole", vibe he has going on. Connor blames himself again for them being there, but he isn't really, even Anthony LaPaglia's bother isn't convinced, you'll never be an actor Connor. Bianca shows her dislike of the friendship between the girls, they clearly don't care. I told you girls can be bitchy.

So after the big group chat they had in camp, we are pretty sure good ol' Pete is going. But thats not what happened. You know that alliance Bianca was going on about? Well yeah it exists and Bianca was given the boot. They really sucked you in there Bianca. As a private investigator you really should have seen that coming, I don't think I will be hiring you for any future sneakiness I may need. Well played young people alliance, you did well. Peter and his bright red pants doesn't seem to thrilled, like at all. He wants to go, seriously.... Save Peter! I'll make some t-shirts up tomorrow.

Another episode recapped, another blog post posted. Woo! If Survivor were a blog, I'd be in Gryffindor! I hope you are all enjoying these recaps. They certainly give my fingers a work out, by the end I'll have Michelle Bridges hands! If you are interested in more, be sure to check out my Twitter for a live Tweetathon during the show, or just random thoughts from me throughout the day. I'll leave all the links for other places you'll see me, floating around below.

Peace Out Survivorinos!... I won't call you that again I promise...

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Sunday, 21 August 2016

My Not So Secret Shame: Survivor Recap Ep. 1

A beautiful ocean, the distant sound of tribal drums, a random crab crawls across the screen. This is no ordinary blog post. This is a blog post to out wit, out play and out blog the others... This is...

Australian Survivor... recap 

*Insert dramatic music and me running around a fire shrieking like a banshee*

Episode one: Meeting the tribes... and Anthony Lapaglia's Brother...

We start the episode with the host Anthony LaPaglia's brother reminding us all why Australians have really annoying accents. Good start, can't wait to listen to him talk for the next 12 weeks.

We go through all the contestants as they arrive on the island, talking about their manhood and how tough and amazing they are... I'd love to have someone go, "You know what I thought this was The Bachelor and I'm really shitting myself". Des talks, no one understands him but he says something about how he has an IQ of a dog... or something... something about being from the country... Sam (you know the good looking one) talks about how his weakness could be pretty girls and they show a shot of a pig... ok...

They arrive at the survivor base where Anthony LaPaglia's brother welcomes them all and sorts them into their tribes. I say sort, because I feel as thought these tribes are the houses from Harry Potter (you will find out why later). Anthony LaPagalia's brother then proceeds to show how he doesn't know anyones name and calls them by items of clothing and colours: "You, baseball cap backwards", "You in the blue". Speaking of clothing, they are informed that all they have, are the clothes on their backs. It's good to see that Barry decided to wear the sorting hat from 'Harry Potter' to the first meet up and Kat decided that wearing leopard print and a floppy hat was appropriate attire for the Survivor challenge. No one wanted to wear a Bear Grylls inspired outfit? No? Floppy hats it is. 

The first challenge starts, the fight for fire. It's hard to really describe whats going on because they are all flopping around like seals on red bull. Anthony LaPagalia's brother likes to point out every movement every person makes and repeats himself so many times that you go into a hypnotic state, all of a sudden the race is over and Hot Sam won, I mean blue tribe. 

We head over to the meet and greet of the first tribe. The red team - Slytherin. They all talk about where they are from, what they do, Des likes to tell us how he isn't going to tell them how he could be remotely useful to their tribe (good strategic move...). Des likes to prove that point by literally doing sweet FA as the rest of the tribe make shelter and try to start a fire - Really going for gold. Des and Floppy Hat start off their relationship with a nice strong hatred of each other and we can tell a good ol' fashion bitch fest is going to take place. So basically, what we have learnt here is Des isn't going to win Survivor. 

Yellow Tribe - Hufflepuff. Like really... they are Hufflepuff. They are all literally useless. Why build things like a shelter or a fire when you can just you know... go for a swim? They all gather round to form some kind of plan, talking about the possibility of making a fire or a bed... Craig pipes up with his great words of wisdom "I think we should like, make some kind of plan"... really... Hufflepuff. It's cool though, coz Craig tells us he can cook, he listens to Beyonce and he can be a bitch... freakin watch out everyone he is a deadly weapon.  Oh no hold on, Nick made obstacles course in his backyard in preparation for Survivor... maybe keep an eye on him too. It's good to see Carrie Bradshaw's friend, Stanford decided to join the cast... he is going by the alias 'Andrew', you sneaky devil... I'm on to you!

Blue Tribe - Gryffindor. Basically this tribe is made up of all the cool people - Hot Sam, The firefighter lady, Connor (the most chilled burn victim I have ever seen). They are on to it, they make their cosy shelter, make an amazing fire... even the music is super positive and loving life. So we love the blue team. They even have a freakin magician on their tribe. They didn't even need to win the fire challenge, he could just pull it out of someones ear. The sneaky private investigator acts sneaky and analyses things... coz thats what she does... just acts sneaky. 

Back to Slytherin, no fire, no shelter - super enthusiastic attitudes. I'm obviously being sarcastic. Des continues to act like an ass, which seems to be going well for him. I'm pretty sure everyone hates him.  

Gryffindor are continuing their shelter building, Hot Sam just continues to be Hot and poor Connor just chills in the water the whole time alone with his burnt hand. You would really hate to be THAT person who has been on the island for 5 minutes and burns their hand. Kind of embarrassing. Bless his heart. He does strike and manages to awkwardly organise an alliance with Flick, who states he isn't her top choice and she will probably boot him out... so he has a good solid alliance with her...

Hufflepuff are still walking around figuring out what to do with their lives. They have the brilliant idea as the sun goes down to build a bed! They do that well, because it collapses when they lie on it. They all laugh. Have a good sleep tonight dickheads! Sue obviously isn't thrilled with being in the dud tribe, she's cool, I like her. She's a sassy lady with a boot load of experience. Probably belongs in Gryffindor. Craig talks more, but its best not to listen. 

Back to Slytherin, there is lots of spooning going on. Not for Des, that's not "his cup of tea". Are you shocked? I'll tell you whats a good idea, put your shelter on the sand near the water. It's not like there is anything called a tide that could come in and destroy it in the middle of the night... wait...

The first proper Survivor immunity challenge. They must split their tribes up in to "runners" and "the people that do the puzzle at the end". Floppy Hat wears her Floppy Hat and Slytherin make a stupid joke about having fire... just joking, they don't... no one laughs... So basically, the challenge is the runners need to run and get to the end... the puzzle makers do the puzzle... so really the running part is useless because they all have to wait for the puzzle people at the end. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff are really good at puzzles... Slytherin are not. So they are heading to the tribal council.

Slytherin are not impressed. Des realised that maybe he shouldn't have been completely useless and maybe shown off all his awesome skills with building shelters. So he tries to redeem himself, whilst also slagging off Floppy Hat to everyone. What he doesn't realise is, Floppy Hat has a strong alliance with the other girls so watch out girlfriend!! *Insert finger snap*. His voice is also very annoying... I'd probably vote him out, he sounds like some kind of Super Aussie Pirate. 

Off they go to Tribal council where Anthony LaPaglia's brother tries to channel Jeff Probst, but it's not happening... Early days. They all dip their torches into the flame, well done on finally obtaining fire! There is suspenseful music, weird tribal noises and many shots of flames... it's kinda making me sleepy. They all toddle off and cast their sneaky votes. Floppy Hat and Des the Pirate are quite honest with their dislike for each other and it looks like it's going to be between them. Obviously, Slytherin doesn't feel the need for pirates in their tribe and Des is out. Literally EVERYONE voted for him. Kinda glad...we all are, lets be honest. 

They head off back to their shelter, I'm sure all praying they didn't build it on another favoured path of a wave. We are left with the goodbye message from The Pirate, he's not impressed, "This is the worst possible outcome", well yeah...you are the first person voted off and everyone voted for you... so yeah it's pretty much the worst. 

So episode one down! Only... a lot more to go. Do I have a clue as to who might win? No... no i don't... but I can see myself becoming addicted, as I do to most reality tv. If you enjoyed my Survivor recap be sure to keep an eye out, as I will be posting a recap the day after every episode (Eps air Sunday and Monday). Also, if you're interested, I do a live tweet on my Twitter, it gets bit random, I'm usually sleep deprived and high on tea by about 8pm. 

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Wednesday, 10 August 2016

My not so secret shame...

Ok ... so look... I have a confession...


I always hated, HATED reality television. I thought it was a complete waste of your brain power and I had no interest in watching it. But then I got pregnant... and I started watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'... then everything changed.


I don't know if it's because I have 'Mum Brain', and by that I mean, my brain doesn't really work as well as it did, due to a tiny human form consuming all of its space. But basically, to summarise the last... I don't know, year... I now love reality television. It's like an illness. It started with 'Kardashians', went on to 'Teen Mom 2' and now I'm planning on making parfaits with tempered chocolate and raspberry coolie after watching a full season of  Masterchef and now, I'm cringing at the desperation of all the women on "The Bachelor" (The girl that sung him a song??? Godddd stop!)

               (Seriously stop..stoppppp...why doesn't she stop??? Its like a form of government torture!)

So because I'm now one of 'those people', (you know them...  'reality TV lovers derrrrrrr'), I thought I would channel my obsession in a more positive form by sharing my addiction with you guys. Sharing is caring! I absolutely love reading television recaps because:

a)  They help you catch up if you missed an ep but also...

b) They can be really damn funny! So I want to do my own.

Coincidentally, 'Australian Survivor' starts next Sunday. Perfect? Perfect! So for the next (insert however long a reality TV show goes for) I will be posting weekly recaps of this amazingly addictive show that we all think we'd be awesome on, but secretly know we wouldn't! Because now I can justify watching this show... you see? See how smart I am? So smarterer!

I am a dedicated 'Survivor' watcher, so this should be an easy task! I'm good at being judgemental, I can observe things and I have a blog... so really I almost HAVE to do this because it's like... destined?... Anyway I'm getting sick of my own ramblings...

Basically what I'm saying is, stay tuned! My reality ramblings, aka "My not so secret shame: Survivor Edition" starts soon!!


Monday, 8 August 2016

The Eyebrow Journey

Remember the good old days? Like around 2000-2005? Eyebrows were really nice and thin and freaky looking? Remember how people stupidly plucked their eyebrows till they had basically nothing there? Then they were stuck with the weird lines for years because they were too scared they'd look like an ogre trying to grow them back? Yeah, that was me...

The thing about eyebrows is, they are right in the middle of your face and EVERYONE can see them... even if you wish really hard that people won't notice... they do. I had bad eyebrows for years and just kind of accepted it. It all started with a bad eyebrow wax that left me with not only eyebrows way too thin for my face, but also wax in my eyeball, causing a severe 'don't-touch-my-eyes-aphobia'. I was only about 14, and just didn't know the first thing about eyebrows or looking good in anyway, (no one looks good at that age... not even you) so the crap eyebrows just stuck.

Years passed and it was weird, they were still not good. Why? Because I did nothing about them besides continue to over pluck like a crazy woman and it was until this year that I went... "I actually hate my eyebrows!" So my eyebrow journey began and I am so, so happy with the results now. My once thin and shapeless brows have been transformed into a not-quite-perfect yet - but a hell of a lot better, lines of goodness above my eyes. So, how did I do it?

BEFORE IN "CRAZY LAND":

(I'm assuming I wore the sunglasses to hide that fact that I just did something I would regret!)

AFTER IN "THANK GOD I DID THAT LAND":



With a lot of dedication and self restraint: Plucking eyebrows is kind of like popping pimples - it's a weird obsession but sooo satisfying when you get a good one. (You know what I mean, don't pretend you don't...) So once I started plucking, my hand and tweezers just kept going and going and going and finally I had to say, NO! I had a big chat with my brow lady, (I'll talk more about her later) and we knew that good brows were possible but it meant that yes, I had to stop plucking, yes I would look weird for awhile and yes hairs would grow in weird directions... but it would be worth it. It totally was. I left my brows for about 6 weeks (so painful) and after that first wax, I was amazed that they were already a lot thicker and they were now able to be shaped. AMAZING! Once you get over that mark, it becomes so much easier as the results far out way the urge to pluck. So don't pluck... don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.. JUST DON'T DO IT... OK?... SHIT!


Good brow products: I never really thought make up for your brows was that important, I also wore cord pants when I was younger so... you know mistakes are made... Since I was making all this progress on my brow journey, I wanted to continue to show off their new found awesomeness and a great way to do that is to dress them up with some brow products. As far as I'm concerned, Benefit wins in the 'brow department!' I've tried a few different brands of brow liners, but I keep coming back to Benefit, so now we are in a long term relationship. I recently became a member of the 'Benefit Brow Squad', which meant I got to try out all their new brow products before they hit the shelves. I haven't yet had the time to try them out, babies... they're such attention seekers... but I will do a review once I do get a chance to use them. The one product I religiously use though is Benefits 'Brow Zings'. It's a great little tool because it is both a wax and a powder, so you can really fix those brows into place, as well as fill them in to make them lusciously amazing. One of the reasons I like this product, is because there are so many shades to choose from so you can pick one that suits your brows perfectly... rather than looking like Bert from Sesame Street. So my recommendation, go check out 'Brow Zings', or at least have a snoop around at some of the great brow products out there and treat yourself!

An Amazing brow lady: I truly believe that every girl (or guy) should have a beauty squad. What is that? Basically its your own personal army of people, that are amazing at making you look like a functioning human being. These miracle workers may include hairdressers, waxers, beauty therapists, fake tanners and in this case, an amazing brow lady. Thankfully, my hairdresser and brow lady are the same person, so that's two birds with one stone. When you look for members of your squad, they need to be really invested in not only what you WANT, but also what you NEED.
For example:

Me:"Hey hairdresser, I really want to dye my hair like a rainbow and make it look like one of those cool mullets you saw in the 80's."
Hairdresser: "No."

These are trustworthy people. They are also rare. There are a lot of dodgy, "don't give a shit" people out there who are in the wrong job, so when searching for your squad members, really do your research. Ask friends for recommendations and really go with your gut. I've heard nightmare stories about people finding hairdressers off Instagram and $2000 later, their hair is falling out on their pillow over night and had been completely destroyed by bleach and God knows what else. Once you find someone you trust, who listens to you and does an amazingly bang up job, hold on to them like they are a freakin' unicorn sent to you from the heavens.

So, that's my brow journey. Like I said, it's not finished but it's on the way to where I want to be... a lady with awesome brows... I hope you enjoyed the post! If you are thinking about going on your own brow journey, hopefully this post gave you the motivation you needed to go out there and grow some brow hairs!! You can do it! The brow gods are on your side!

*This post is not sponsored post. All these suggestions are my own (as are the brows).